Curiosity: The Missing Ingredient in Modern Discourse

When I’m asked if my book is still relevant, I always answer that not only is Bring Yourself evergreen, but what’s inside is even more pertinent today. Bring Yourself is about negotiations but also offers insights into life, leadership, and communication. The book’s enduring relevance is a point of pride for me, because I believe I’ve created a resource you can always return to and learn something new from.

One of the topics I refer to frequently, both in my classes and in Bring Yourself, is curiosity. Recently, the way we go about interacting with each other has been on my mind. Communication and negotiation are indelibly linked to curiosity, but all too often is what is missing from conversations. 

At the moment, as the nation’s most pressing and impactful issues are being debated, the art of asking questions seems to have been forgotten. Rather than listening and learning from each other, the discourse frequently devolves into two diametrically opposed sides with no path to recognize the possibility of, let alone negotiate, an agreement. 

Changing hearts and minds

During the recent Democratic National Convention, former President Clinton acknowledged that right now it seems almost impossible for those with contrasting views to have a civil conversation about their differences. He urged us to talk with each other and be respectful without feeling the need to pretend to agree. He reinforced the idea that you can honor your beliefs and defend them passionately without demeaning the other side.

When you don’t agree with someone, your visceral reaction might be to protect your opinions while holding little regard for theirs. This leaves no room for changing hearts and minds—that requires curiosity, listening, and understanding. Being inquisitive doesn’t mean letting go of your own closely held beliefs, only that you can ask thoughtful questions before crafting your response to the opposition. 

Preserving your ability to be curious isn’t easy when a disagreement is so deeply rooted in belief. But you have no chance of convincing the other side to change if you don’t understand their reasoning. 

Curiosity and cable news

If you prefer MSNBC, you probably don’t enjoy watching Fox News, and vice versa. These channels deliberately appeal to opposite sides of the political spectrum and incite disagreement for profit. As a result, for the most part, people choose to watch coverage from the organization most ideologically aligned with them.

In Bring Yourself, I mention this phenomenon when NPR’s Marketplace host Kai Ryssdal asked a group of liberal listeners if they listened to Rush Limbaugh or watched Fox News, “No one raised a hand, and he chastised the crowd, saying that it was their responsibility to listen to and understand the other side, not just to talk to others who felt just as they did.”

Kai is absolutely correct. When communicating with someone who disagrees with you, you can listen to and attempt to understand the root of their viewpoint before deciding how to respond. Without this level of curiosity, how can you build a bridge of understanding with someone with different beliefs? How can you successfully negotiate with the opposition to reach a mutually beneficial agreement?

The secret ingredient to success

Some of the most successful people in the world are also the most inquisitive. Curiosity not only improves communication but also drives innovation and growth. In a business setting, curious leaders create space for people with different backgrounds, mindsets, and attitudes. When employees feel seen and heard, they’re comfortable being themselves, knowing they work in an open environment free of judgment for who they are or the opinions they hold.

This level of curiosity requires diligent cultivation and effort. Those who understand the value of an open mind have a great deal of courage and strength because to truly effect change, you have to be willing to make an effort to understand how others see the world.

My advice: lead with curiosity, not certainty. You make the most mistakes when you think you know everything and refuse to listen. There’s little room for empathy when you leave no room for curiosity. How can you truly show goodwill, mercy, or even kindness to another person if you can’t show genuine interest in learning about their beliefs, opinions, and journey?