The Space Between Letting Go and Holding On

I’ve been thinking about an experience someone shared with me a few years ago. As so often happens when you’re young, she let a misunderstanding get in the way of a friendship. At the time, she thought she was fine moving on in life without that person, believing letting them go was the right choice. But several years later, they were on her mind. She admitted to me that she was holding on to anger and resentment while at the same time, she missed her friend. 

It’s true that negative feelings don't magically disappear without resolution. Still, I encouraged her to consider reaching out to the person to explore the possibility of reconnection. A few weeks later, she told me she had followed through and taken steps toward reviving the friendship. Although the renewed relationship couldn’t be the same as before, as they spent time together, she remembered something beyond the hurt. She remembered how much fun and laughter they’d shared over the years and how important that had been to her.

She learned that what she gained from that person’s presence in her world far outweighed the value of holding on to the past.

Walking away too quickly can have a cost.

That conversation led me to reflect on the ebb and flow of friendships in my own life. I’ve lost and gained friends over the years, and looking back, I think cutting ties too easily can cost more than you realize. There’s a risk of going too far and becoming fixated on what divides rather than unites. Over time, focusing only on division can close you off from outside dialogue and opinions. If you fall into that trap, you can become so intolerant of differences and quick to say goodbye that you find yourself isolated and without a community. 

It’s true that sometimes the choice to step away from a person who isn’t healthy for you is the right one. Letting go can be necessary to make way for new connections and opportunities. A disagreement you can’t get past, a misunderstanding that wasn’t resolved, or tension that lingered because neither of you knew how to start an uncomfortable conversation can change how someone fits into your space. At other times, you might be correct to choose to distance yourself from friends whose social beliefs, attitudes, or values are different from your own. 

Moments of difficulty don’t tell the whole story.

But a one-size-fits-all approach to who you allow in your life and who you don’t leaves no room for the value of the positive aspects of a relationship. This may be the friend you go to for honest advice, emotional support, or a fun night out, and you need people who fill those roles. So before cutting someone out of your life permanently, take a moment to re-examine your feelings and look at the benefits of tolerating a difference of opinion. Relationships have a reason and a season. You can choose to focus on the best elements of your friendship, those that connect you and bring you joy. A moment of difficulty doesn’t have to define your friendship.

Connections aren’t static, and neither are the people within them. Just as you learn, evolve, and grow, so do your relationships. Someone can sap your energy one minute and bring you happiness or create excitement the next. If you let go at the first sign of hardship, you may never reach the phase where joy or excitement returns. 

You can redefine how a relationship fits in your life.

Reconnection is possible when expectations are clear, and you know what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not. Prioritize yourself when deciding whether to reconnect. Before you welcome them back, don’t just think about whether they’ll respect your boundaries. Consider also whether you can respect your own boundaries when you’re with them. Take time to decide how you want to redefine your connection. You don’t have to approach reengaging by thinking about what the other person would want or what would be nice for them. 

Your choices aren’t limited to either cutting someone off completely or inviting them to live with you. Maybe you aren’t interested in taking a trip together, but you can enjoy grabbing a cup of coffee and catching up.

Connection often starts with something simple.

You don’t have to force connection or reopen every door. But you should understand your own emotional needs and desire for community. And, sometimes that means taking a simple action to reconnect with an old friend you thought was gone forever. This year, I’m choosing to text someone as soon as I think of them. It doesn’t have to be complicated or lengthy. I’m simply reaching out to let them know they are on my mind. 

A quick message. No agenda. Just a reminder they matter to me.