When You Stop Performing, You Start Connecting

Early in my career, public speaking felt uncomfortable. I was uneasy with the attention and the pressure of having all eyes on me. I felt like I had to overprepare, rather than be my authentic self. Over time, I learned to speak from the heart, lead with the depth of my knowledge, and lean on my experience. When I started speaking to audiences with honesty, I felt less exposed, and my nervousness disappeared.

Vulnerability may seem like something you should avoid in public speaking, but I find it’s one of the most important aspects of communicating with others. Those moments of self-doubt usually manifest when you’re the most nervous. As you prepare to speak in front of others, you might be wondering if anyone believes you’re even qualified to act as an authority in your space. As you speak, you might be deeply uncomfortable, worrying about whether or not you’re being taken seriously or how your message is being received. 

When you have an important message to share, there’s a tendency to get caught up in the details. Sticking to a presentation filled with facts and figures feels safe and can go a long way toward building confidence. But data doesn’t build emotional bonds that inspire action. Communication, regardless of the forum, is about connection.

The details that derail

Tethering myself to a PowerPoint filled with impersonal information was at the root of my discomfort. Not being myself kept me from forging a real and lasting relationship with my audience. This performative, academic persona stripped of any authenticity was the opposite of that grounded connection with the audience I wanted.

I’ve learned I need to put myself into what I present. Memorizing data or anchoring myself to slides doesn’t work. I’ve worked to become confident in my own authority and now, whether I’m in front of an audience of 2,000, 200, or 20, I’m willing to be vulnerable and tell my own stories. For me, this was the antidote to fear and a much more effective way of public speaking. I feel far more natural, and the audience has a more meaningful experience.

Storytelling is the star

Storytelling is the most powerful way humans communicate. Research shows that 95% of thinking happens in the emotional part of the brain. This is why evoking emotion through sharing personal experiences can help build a relationship with others, even in large group settings.

Telling a story can also break the discomfort you may feel when standing in front of a crowd. How the audience responds can reassure you, building your confidence and lessening your doubt.

Storytelling works because personal anecdotes encourage the audience to recognize the mutual humanity between you and them. When you talk about your own experiences, you stop speaking at them and start speaking to them. You reveal who you truly are, and the audience feels like they’re being let in on a secret.

The challenge

For many, vulnerability doesn’t come naturally. You might not be comfortable sharing the depths of your soul with total strangers, and you don’t have to. You decide what you want to share and how open you want to be, as long as you emphasize your shared humanity. To decrease your fear and connect with them, you only have to engage the audience in a way that reminds them how you’re alike.

Find relevant stories you do want to tell that will hold people’s attention. Even small anecdotes like spilling your coffee on the way to work or recent car trouble can have a big impact. These stories may seem generic or trite, but they build a valuable bridge of mutual understanding.

Because of the challenges vulnerability presents, it isn’t guaranteed in every exchange. In fact, it can be rare. I was recently reminded of this when a student approached me after class. He thanked me for the vulnerability I showed while teaching. My answer was, “How can I expect my students to be vulnerable if I’m not?”

When you acknowledge what you have in common, you see others as fellow human beings rather than adversaries. When you’re empowered to share your authentic self, you invite others to do the same. The bottom line: You can’t expect others to engage if you don’t.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sharing your story can be difficult. But when you overcome your self-doubt by opening up to others, you honor who you really are. You’re saying, my story has value and what I’ve experienced is worth sharing. My life can make a positive impact. Some might say that’s arrogant or egoistic, but I say it’s vulnerable and brave.